Career In The Police And Military Stressed Their Marriage

John Jay Wiley (0:00): She's married to a law enforcement officer. Before that, he was a career navy EOD specialist in combat. The stress of those careers almost ended their marriage. She's here to talk about that and much more. Welcome to the law enforcement talk radio show.

John Jay Wiley (0:19): In the law enforcement talk radio show, we are joined by special guest talking about their experiences, their of investigating crimes. Plus, those who've experienced horrendous trauma, police, first responders, military, and victims of crime share their stories. Hi. I'm John Jay Wiley. In addition to being a broadcaster, I'm also a retired police sergeant.

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John Jay Wiley (0:58): Like everything we do, it is free. Look for and subscribe to law enforcement talk radio show and podcast on YouTube for great police videos and episodes of the podcast. Connecting with us from the Treasure Coast Of Florida, we have Tina Rudiger on the phone. Now Tina's husband, Chris, was on the show just a few weeks ago. She is the spouse of a career Navy veteran, Christopher Rudiger.

John Jay Wiley (1:22): He's also a police officer, and she's a podcaster named her podcast as Sheepdog Marriage Podcast. Tina, thanks so much for being guest on the law enforcement of the show. Very much appreciate it.

Tina Rudiger (1:33): Yes. Thank you for having me. I appreciate you having me on.

John Jay Wiley (1:35): Now yours is a point of view we don't get to hear very often. I grew up in a career navy family. My dad was career navy. My mom was, I call, the admiral of the family. When dad was gone, she ran a roost.

John Jay Wiley (1:47): When dad was home, she ran the roost. That's the way it was. And then I went police work in my early twenties. So there's a lot of commonality and a lot of differences, but we never get to hear from people like you.

Tina Rudiger (2:01): Yeah. And it's so important because, you know, I feel like as a spouse, we are in the background sometimes, and it's just kind of the way it is. And to be able to speak out now in this season of our life and be able to kind of speak into the lives of other spouses or other military or law enforcement marriages is really important to me.

John Jay Wiley (2:24): I'm glad so glad that you are doing that, and I wanna thank you for your service. I know we thank the veterans. We thank first responders. We thank police, but we forget about their spouses. And to be totally honest with you, you can't do this line of work without the support of your family behind you.

Tina Rudiger (2:41): Oh, absolutely. We we you definitely need the support of your family to be able to, getting into being a military spouse. And when we first got married, I had no idea what I was getting into. I didn't know anyone that was in the military. Had heard of it, but I didn't know what it was like being in that lifestyle.

Tina Rudiger (3:03): I was willing to kinda jump in with both feet, but wow. Did I have a a big road ahead of me.

John Jay Wiley (3:09): How long have you two been married?

Tina Rudiger (3:12): We've been married for thirty one years.

John Jay Wiley (3:14): So you're not rookies at this. And I'm I'm saying this with all due respect. You're not newly weds. It's not like, this is brand new to you. You've got both of have a lot of time and effort and struggles involved in this relationship.

Tina Rudiger (3:30): That's yeah. To say the least. Definitely a lot of time and and a lot of effort in as a military spouse and now as a law enforcement spouse. I kinda thought that when he transitioned from the military to law enforcement, was thinking, man, this is gonna be a walk in the park. He's gonna be home every night.

Tina Rudiger (3:50): But but that was a big misconception on my part.

John Jay Wiley (3:54): We'll go into that in a moment. I I wanna touch base a little bit of your history. You and Chris, you got did you get married at the early part of his military career or before going in the military?

Tina Rudiger (4:07): It was in the early part. He had he was in submarines for the first three years. And then, when he transitioned and went to EOD school, we met in Panama City when he was going through training. So I've been with him the his entire, almost his entire career.

John Jay Wiley (4:24): So you've kinda seen a big transition in your navy experience, and I'm gonna go back. Granted, I'm a lot older than you. When my dad got deployed, you know, six months Meg Cruz, whatever might be. This is before we had FaceTime and all these other ways.

Tina Rudiger (4:40): Right.

John Jay Wiley (4:41): You didn't have the Internet. You didn't have phone calls. We oftentimes didn't find out he was coming home until two or three days before. And every now and then, he'd get a couple moments on a satellite phone. He talked to mom, and we were totally unaware.

Tina Rudiger (4:54): Right. Right. And believe it or not, you know, we got married in 1991, and that doesn't really seem that long ago. But when we communicated, it was very much the same way. He would have to get a satellite line to call me, or he would stand in line when they would go into port and call me.

Tina Rudiger (5:13): But we went sometimes three, four months without speaking a word. And we would be sending letters back and forth. And we would number our letters. So sometimes I would get, like, letter 27, and I still haven't gotten, like, letter two. You know?

Tina Rudiger (5:31): It it was it was either hit or miss, you know, with the letter. So the communication, even back then, was was still very, very far between.

John Jay Wiley (5:41): Do you often find yourself biting your tongue when people say, my biggest problem is communicating with my spouse? And you'd go back and say, well, I remember we couldn't talk for months at a time.

Tina Rudiger (5:53): Yes. Yes. And and I don't wanna jump too far ahead, but that's one of the things with with being a military, military spouse versus a law enforcement spouse is that when he went into law enforcement, I was like, well, at least he'll be home. At least I'll be able to talk to him. At least he'll sleep in the bed at night.

Tina Rudiger (6:10): You know? But I didn't think of the psychological part of the things that he sees every day and coming home and trying to transition between being a caretaker or a sheep dog all day and then coming home at night and being in a relationship where we both are kind of equal. And that was really difficult.

John Jay Wiley (6:33): We will talk about that at length. And here's what I did. And I thought I was really good at this, Tina. Back to the days we did the the first generation of soft body armor, that's when I was policing. And I would think I would do a psychological undressing.

John Jay Wiley (6:49): When I take the Valkner off in the soft body armor, I'm going from cop Jay to husband Jay to father Jay. And I thought and for a long time, I did well with that until I didn't anymore. And then I became the guy who didn't talk, who for a lot of different reasons, which we'll discuss, would sit there and isolate, sit in the chair, and didn't talk at all. And it created even more problems.

Unknown Speaker (7:13): Oh, yeah.

Unknown Speaker (7:14): As a matter of fact,

Unknown Speaker (7:15): I Oh, definitely.

John Jay Wiley (7:16): It killed our marriage. That that that's a big part of it.

Tina Rudiger (7:19): Yeah. Yeah. And that's actually what began to kill our marriage. I mean, we were I had moved out, and when he had transitioned into being law enforcement, and my expectations of having a husband present and home when he was home was totally demolished. And the the resentment from over the years from him, you know, being in the military, the country came first because the country had to come first.

Tina Rudiger (7:46): And then we became a police officer. The community came became first because it had to come first. And, again, I was on the back burner, and I literally was I was just a time bomb waiting to go off. And I was so angry and bitter at always being on the back burner that I was we were just ready to give up and go our separate ways.

John Jay Wiley (8:08): And we've got first responders. We've got law enforcement. We've got EMTs, paramedics, linemen from all over The United States that responded to Southwest Florida. And

Unknown Speaker (8:18): one of

John Jay Wiley (8:18): the things I tell people all the time was, you know, when we have natural disasters, we have snowstorms or blizzards or whatever it might be, you'd have to tell your family you're on your own no matter how bad the situation and you had to go to help other people. And that created a stress internally for us, and it also created a stress internally for our spouses. And throwing top of that, years of military service where, hey. There's a conflict over here. We got special orders were sent, and you're gone.

John Jay Wiley (8:49): And you don't get to hear from we're talking with Tina Rudiger. She's a spouse of a queer Navy veteran and also a police officer and also a podcast. Name of her podcast is Sheepdog Marriage Podcast. Don't go anywhere. This is law enforcement show.

John Jay Wiley (9:03): So much more heading your way. We'll be right back. Of all the radio stations in The United States, there are no other shows like the law enforcement talk radio show. And on Facebook, there's only one official page. Do a search on Facebook for the law enforcement talk radio show, and be sure to like the law enforcement talk radio show Facebook page.

John Jay Wiley (9:36): Return conversation with Tina Rudiger on the law enforcement show. Tina is a spouse of a police officer. He's also a career Navy veteran. He was a Navy vet for twenty some odd years before becoming a police officer, and she's a podcaster. Her name of her show is Sheepdog Marriage Podcast.

John Jay Wiley (9:55): Before we went to break, Tina, and I'm so glad you're telling your your story because quite often we don't talk to the spouses, and we don't get to hear the frustrations and the difficulties of those at home. And we could say for a lot of reasons why. It doesn't matter, but we need to make their voice their voices, their stories more prominent. So I'm really grateful that you are telling yours. You said you met Christopher when he was training for EOD in was it Panama City?

Unknown Speaker (10:26): Yes. Panama City.

Unknown Speaker (10:27): And so that was

Tina Rudiger (10:28): quite a while ago. Right? Yes. It was 1991. And, actually, was 1990.

Tina Rudiger (10:36): That's what's so crazy about our story is we actually met in November 1990 and we were at the altar in April '91. So we only knew each other for maybe three or four months and we were at the altar.

John Jay Wiley (10:50): So for all those who say they don't know each other long enough, it's gonna end in disaster. You're living proof that it's not the case.

Tina Rudiger (10:57): We are definitely you know, we we it did work for us for a long time. And but honestly, we were just surviving. We were never thriving. We were just kinda getting by. But we we didn't even know each other's middle name when we got married, so that was crazy.

John Jay Wiley (11:13): So I'm not gonna ask you why. What possessed you to do that? Did your I'm sure your family said, that's wonderful. He's a great guy. But what are you thinking?

Tina Rudiger (11:22): Yeah. Well, he was he was in EOD school, and it it's in phases. So once you graduate, you go on to the next phase. So he was moving from Florida to Maryland, and he was like, you know, either we get married or you come live with me. And my dad, I'm the only girl.

Tina Rudiger (11:35): My dad was like, not only no, but no. You know, the only way you're leaving this state was I'm a father

John Jay Wiley (11:42): of two daughters. And I'm telling you right now, I would be, I'm still old fashioned. I'd be the same kind of guy.

Tina Rudiger (11:49): Yeah. We had he had to come to my house and he told him, he said, Chris, I I have three children. He said, god gave me, two boys, but he only gave me one girl. And that girl right there, that's my heart. And if you want my heart, you're gonna marry it.

Tina Rudiger (12:01): You're not gonna live with it.

John Jay Wiley (12:02): There you go. You and I are on same page. And here's the thing, Tina. I don't force my point of view on other people. I don't have beefs with people.

John Jay Wiley (12:13): I don't disrespect people, but I bow before no one. And secondly, you I am who I am. At this stage of my life, it's it's like, look. I'd love to to go to all the time and energy to make you like me, but I'm over that. That was gone in my teens and twenties.

Tina Rudiger (12:32): Yes. Absolutely. I I I definitely it was embarrassing to hear my dad say that, but it was good that, you know, I I love that I have a father that loves me and that was willing to stand up for me. But Chris stood up to the plate, he was like, yes, sir. That's exactly why I'm here to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage.

Tina Rudiger (12:52): And and I had no idea, so things happen really fast. And my dad said, well, I know what's gonna happen is you're gonna move away with my daughter and take her overseas. And of course he was like, no, I'm not. We'll try and stay in the in, you know, in stateside, you know, and of course that did not happen.

John Jay Wiley (13:11): Of course not. My when I was a baby boy, my I don't remember. I was too young. But my parents, my dad was stationed in Rota, Spain, and I was there from, like, one year of age to five. And Yeah.

John Jay Wiley (13:25): I wish I was older and could experience and remember some of that stuff, but that's part of the navy life. I know other branches of military, they they get transferred. They serve overseas. But for navy, you really gotta do a lot of you're gonna be changing every three to four years, and you're gonna have an overseas deployment. If you are to certain branches of navy, you're gonna have MEG cruises, ship duty, all that stuff.

Tina Rudiger (13:47): Yes. Absolutely. Yeah. There was so so much moving every three years. And on top of that, I was doing it by myself the whole time.

Tina Rudiger (13:55): So it was madeI was only 19 or 20 when I married him, so it made me grow up really quick because we started having kids right away. He was deploying right away. He was in war right away. He went to Somalia. He was in Bosnia.

Tina Rudiger (14:11): He was in Iraq. All of those things, we were I was experiencing change for the first time, and I was a mother for the first time. But I was also a single mom the whole time and didn't realize how angry I was that and I felt guilty sometimes for being angry that he was gone. I'm like, he's defending our country. He's he's supporting our family.

Tina Rudiger (14:34): Like, how could I how why do I have the right to be angry with him? But that that was that's what I wanna help other mothers or other wives to understand is that, you know, it's okay to be angry, and it's okay and it's okay to speak up. And I was afraid to I was afraid to do that. So

John Jay Wiley (14:55): Well, you talked about the resentments earlier. With the moving by yourself and having kids and doing everything by yourself, was that number one in the resentment list? I'm sure there's many other.

Tina Rudiger (15:05): Absolutely. That every time we had a move, he was deployed or gone. And so the navy would move us, but it was it was stressful, you know, especially moving from overseas, you know, Jumping ahead a little bit, but we were in Italy during the nineeleven conflict and I remember he was gone. He was in, I believe, I don't know, another country. And I was there And I remember being on base for the after school activities, and the military came over the loudspeaker, and they said, you are an American, and you are a target.

Tina Rudiger (15:39): The United States is under attack. You need to get to your home port. And, like, literally, I'm like, oh my god. What do you mean? I'm American.

Tina Rudiger (15:46): I'm a target. And so the base police is rushing us home. And we got back to the base. They had bomb dogs, mirrors under our cars. And they were like, you need to get on base.

Tina Rudiger (15:58): You can't come off. And I didn't hear from my husband for, like, maybe two weeks after that happened. And because he was on lockdown, and he went into full activation mode, they they activated them somewhere, and I didn't hear from him. So I was mad at him. I'm like, this is a time the world feels like it's coming to an end.

Tina Rudiger (16:18): You could at least try and call me, but he didn't. And some of the other wives heard from their husbands, and I I carried so much resentment during that time. I was I was just a big angry elf that during that period.

John Jay Wiley (16:31): I understand it, to be honest with you. I I really do understand. And we don't get to hear this side of the story very often. So thanks again for for telling it. I've I've got to ask this question, and I kinda remember my mother telling me stories about when they got stationed overseas.

John Jay Wiley (16:48): And they were talked to about this is how you behave off base because even traffic accident or something like that, you got arrested. It was a big deal. It's a big problem. I have a sister who's actually a couple of sisters whose spouses were in the military and they had the same talk. So did you get the talk when you got transferred over to Italy?

Tina Rudiger (17:08): Oh, yes. They actually do an in doc. And that's, again, another part of my anger for so long is that this in doc was to indoctrinate you into their culture, what to expect, what you should do. And told us when we got there, look, everyone has to go, the military member, the spouse, like this is mandatory, you have to go. So we're sitting in INDOC, and I'm still a little unsure, but Chris is there with me, and I'm feeling comfortable.

Tina Rudiger (17:37): And then in the middle of NDOC, his command walks in, and they were like, hey, we have an incident that happened in Northern Italy. We need you to team up. We're gonna give you this team, and you gotta go. And he said, okay. You know, in two weeks when Ndoc is over, and they're like, no.

Tina Rudiger (17:53): You're not finishing Ndoc. Your wife's gonna do it for you. And literally whisked him away. And, I was I didn't realize how angry I was.

John Jay Wiley (18:02): We're talking with Tina Rudiger. She's a spouse of a queer navy veteran, did twenty plus years in navy, and is also a police officer. And she's a podcaster named at the podcast is Sheepdog Marriage Podcast. This is law enforcement show. Don't go anywhere.

John Jay Wiley (18:16): We will be right back. Be sure to check out our website, letradio.com. That's letradio.com. There you'll find episodes of the show available as a podcast after airing on radio, and they're always free. There's 700 plus episodes on there right now.

John Jay Wiley (18:38): There's blogs. Get information about our sponsors. All that and much more at letradio.com. Again, the website is letradio.com. This is the Law Enforcement Show returning our conversation with Tina Rudiger.

John Jay Wiley (18:58): Tina is a unique guest on the Law Enforcement Show. She's the spouse of a career navy veteran. That means twenty plus years in the navy, EOD, deployed constantly combat zones. After retiring from the navy, he became a police officer where she thought things would be easier and better. Well, we'll let her tell you about that part.

John Jay Wiley (19:19): She's also a podcast writer. Her podcast is a sheepdog marriage podcast. Before we went to break, Tina, you were talking about this indoctrination and when you got deployed to Italy. And part of what my mother told me is back in the day, they'd say, look, don't even get in traffic accident off base. If you hit someone and kill someone, you're on your own.

John Jay Wiley (19:39): There's not a whole lot we can do for you. And back then, if you were American and you were imprisoned in the Spanish jails, it was up the family come feed you. They didn't feed you. You were on your own, literally. And so you're in the middle of indoctrination, and he gets whisked away.

John Jay Wiley (19:56): And you said the resentment, that's, like, number two.

Tina Rudiger (19:59): Yes. Very much so. I I literally had to, navigate on my own, and I was and I I didn't go off of base a lot. I stayed on base because I was intimidated by being out in town and being an American and all the stories, like you said, if you're in a car accident. Because we had the license plate that says Armed Forces International, AFI.

Tina Rudiger (20:23): And so we were like, you could tell who the Americans were. So if there was ever an accident out in town, everyone always told me, if you're in an accident, they're gonna automatically blame it on the American. So that scared me and intimidated me. So I just I stayed on base a lot.

John Jay Wiley (20:38): And I don't blame you. Here here's something else I I'm sure you're gonna get. I I hear people talk all the time about the talk between parents and their children involving American police. And I think to myself, I got to talk when I was 15, 14 about navy police, about how you behave on base. And I was a long haired hippie freak.

John Jay Wiley (21:00): I had a great big bush, and I was like, I'm gonna do what I want. I'll be an individual. They're like, yeah. You can do all that off base, but on base, it's a different story.

Tina Rudiger (21:10): Oh, yeah. Definitely. It it was, when we were stationed in Italy, we were I think there was only maybe 3,000 Americans on base. And we you know, when when there was an issue between two Americans on base, everyone in the entire on base knew it. Like, you knew if there was a restraining order or they couldn't come near each other.

Tina Rudiger (21:33): It was impossible being on base. But we pretty much knew what was going on because and the military police made their presence there, but we also had the carabinari on base as well. So it was a little of both.

John Jay Wiley (21:48): Now here's the the the the difficult question. If you can't talk about certain things, that's quite alright. I understand. Your husband was EOD. And if I get this wrong, please forgive me.

John Jay Wiley (22:00): That's a explosives ordinance demolition or disposal. He was

Unknown Speaker (22:05): Disposal. Yeah.

John Jay Wiley (22:05): He was sent to combat zones quite a bit. How did you deal with him saying, okay. I go to Iraq. I have to go to Gatorstan or Somalia or all these other hot spots where you know people are being killed, and you know he's gonna be right in the the mouth of the lion, so to speak.

Tina Rudiger (22:25): Yes. It was very difficult. And I look back at it now and realize where a lot of my anger came from. And it was difficult because sometimes he couldn't even tell me where he was going. He would be gone for months at a time, and sometimes he would come home and he would call me and say, Hey, I can only talk for just a minute, but if you look online or look in the news, an article may be on the front page.

Tina Rudiger (22:56): And I'm like, there's a ton of articles. So I would literallythe computers first started coming out. I think it was around 2000, maybe 2001, I would get on the small computer that we had and just look up articles that I thought could be him and I would, you know, knowing all the time was so hard. We actually had a friend, She was one of my best friends, and her husband was also EOD. And he was killed by a roadside in Afghanistan andor Iraq, I'm sorry.

Tina Rudiger (23:27): And I actually was with her the entire time as the Navy send in his Konex box back full of all of his belongings. And I'm helping her go through all this and work through her emotions when my emotions were on high alert because my husband's over in the same place. And, you know, I'm trying to deal with my own emotions and help her deal with hers. And I'm totally disconnected from my husband. I actually didn't even feel like I knew I knew who he was because I only got to talk to him every couple of months.

Tina Rudiger (23:59): So there was just so much stress and anxiety back then for so many reasons and not and the not knowing was very, very difficult.

John Jay Wiley (24:08): You know, it's unusual, and maybe it's not, and we'll talk about the police part of it in a moment, is when I interviewed your husband, Chris, and that was a few weeks ago. You can check it out. Just go to lletradioshow.com and look for past episodes. You'll find it. He didn't talk about all these things.

John Jay Wiley (24:24): He was the one who's being deployed to all these combat zones, and he's like, yeah, not a big deal. Oh, yeah. It was kinda life changing. Let's move on to point b, whatever it might be. You're going much further in-depth.

John Jay Wiley (24:36): And one of the things that he talked about is that there was an incident where they they struck an an IED and came under attack and maybe dealing with the after effects of TBI. But when it was going on, he didn't think it was a big deal. It's like, okay. We gotta do this, this, and this. Were you aware of this, or how long after did you become aware that he was in an explosion?

Tina Rudiger (25:03): Yeah. I was not aware of it at all. In fact, when he got home from that six month deployment, it had happened in the very beginning of his six month deployment. So I went the whole time not knowing. So when he got home, we had this sit down talk, and it literally was like a gut punch.

Tina Rudiger (25:21): And I didn't know if I should be angry with him for not telling me or be happy that he was home. But he said the night that he was hit, he called me when he got home and he said, I just sat there and listened to your voice. And and he said, I voice sounded so happy, it was soothing to my soul, I just listened. He said, but I didn't wanna tell you because I didn't wanna worry you because there was a lot of death within the community going on at the time, and I knew the wife, so he didn't want to stress me out. And honestly, that was really difficult for me because I felt like I needed to know.

Tina Rudiger (25:58): Making me wait and telling me later, I just felt so I don't know. It's hard to explain. And like you said, when he talked to you, I listened to the interview as well. He's very superficial, nonchalant about it. And that's one of the things that I really encourage him to do sometimes is to talk about these things.

Tina Rudiger (26:19): These things that happened to us, these things that we've been through are real, and that's where the healing part comes with us doing our marriage ministry is it it forces him to talk about it, and it and it allows me to process some of the the anger and the resentment that I had for so long.

John Jay Wiley (26:37): I'm a big proponent of talking about things, but as long as it's involving other people. When you push me far to talk about certain incidents from my police career, it depends quite honestly, it depends on who you are. I'm far more open about it now than I than I was many years ago. But one of the things you said earlier that really resonated with me is he didn't want you to worry. And I I didn't tell my wife at the time a lot of things were happening because she was already worried enough.

John Jay Wiley (27:07): My mother was already worried enough. My sisters were worried enough. And I I felt it was my duty, my obligation to shield her from that as much as possible. And to be honest with you, I want people to think, hey, you can sleep easy at night because nothing bad is gonna happen. I don't want you to know about the dangers and that sometimes those dangers are right down the street from you.

Tina Rudiger (27:28): Right. Right. And and I totally get that. And I I definitely see your side, and I see how you know, hit Chris' side on not telling me. But, you know, it's it's kinda there's gotta be a fine line there because I I wanna know what I'm dealing with.

Tina Rudiger (27:43): I just I'm the type of person that just needs to know. You know, I need to need to make sure everything's okay for me, for the kids, for him, and not knowing was like was a gut punch. But the thankful part is he came home safe unlike some of my other friends. They didn't their husbands And didn't come when he did come home, though, some of the things that were difficult is the very first night he was home our sons were not big but,

John Jay Wiley (28:11): We're for some reason, my take a short break. We're talking with Tina Rudiger. We're turning. We're gonna talk about what happened the first night he was home and then how begin to transition into law enforcement, how that affected them, and much more. This is Law Enforce Today Show.

John Jay Wiley (28:25): Don't quote anywhere. We will be right back. Be sure to follow me on the Clubhouse app. It's like having your own talk radio station on your phone. And best of all, it is free.

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John Jay Wiley (28:54): That's John J. Wiley or at LET radio show on the clubhouse app. Did I mention that it is free? This is the long fought show. Return to our conversation with Tina Rudiger.

John Jay Wiley (29:10): Tina is a very unique story we don't get to hear very often. Her story is not unique, but the fact that we don't hear about it, that's what makes it special. She's a spouse of a career navy veteran. He did twenty years plus in the US Navy, EOD, multiple combat deployments, and then became a police officer. Four winter break.

John Jay Wiley (29:30): Tina, you're talking about an incident when he came home, and I had to cut you off because we had to go to a commercial break. Please let us know what happened.

Tina Rudiger (29:39): Yeah. So when he came home, I didn't even think about it, but our one of our sons was playing Call of Duty. And they're not normally big gamers, but he just happened to be playing that game that night. And I remember Chris came through the living room, his eye caught the TV of what our son was doing, and he literally froze. And he started yelling at my son.

Tina Rudiger (30:01): He was like, are you doing? You didn't even check that building before you walked in. Like, you don't walk into a building like that. And he just started just really laying into our son. And I looked at him, I was like, babe, it's just a game.

Tina Rudiger (30:14): And he's like, it's maybe just a game, but that's real life. That happened. You know? And I, it just kind of took me back. I was like, wow.

Tina Rudiger (30:22): I I actually felt like I we should have not been my son shouldn't have been playing that game that night. And I didn't even think about how difficult it was for him to see it. So that that was that was a a very big moment, kind of an eye opening moment for me when he got home, from that Iraq deployment.

John Jay Wiley (30:41): And, yeah, I could understand both points of view on that one because, hey, it's just a game. And it's just a kid playing a game. And if we ask Chris about it right now, he'd probably say that was one of the worst moments of his life. And I I can understand. I wanna fast forward.

John Jay Wiley (30:56): So he he finishes his career in the Navy. And then somewhere along the line, you two get the idea, hey. Wouldn't it be great to be a police officer? And he becomes a police officer in South Florida and has been doing that a long time. One of the things you said early in the conversation, you thought being a military spouse was tough and that this would be easy.

John Jay Wiley (31:15): Hasn't been easy for you?

Tina Rudiger (31:17): No. Not at all. It was a major misconception on my part. I want I wanted him to be able to continue being in uniform because I knew he has an innate sense of responsibility and, like, the sheepdog spirit to to help others. And so I could tell as soon as he put that police uniform back on, that look, the happiness look, the contentment came back on his face because that's what he does.

Tina Rudiger (31:45): So I was like, okay. You know, he's gonna be home now. He's but he's gonna be able to do what he's doing, but he's not gonna deploy. But that very quickly became evident that being involved in the community and he went into community relations, seeing people in the worst days of their life and trying to help them, it became, you know, all he did. The community came first and my place on the back burner again.

Tina Rudiger (32:17): And and I I felt guilty for being angry. I was like, you know, the community does need to come first. You know, there's there's crime. There's there's people hurting. There's you know, he needs to be there.

Tina Rudiger (32:28): That's what he's doing. And it I didn't realize, it was actually just adding on top of the pile of the resentment that I had all these years.

John Jay Wiley (32:39): How about the the the trauma that he experienced and the danger? Did that play into your mindset at all, your worries, your fears?

Tina Rudiger (32:48): Absolutely. I was I was a wreck when he first when he first started in with the police department. We have Facebook at this point and social media. And I'm constantly cruising, like, when he's on duty, you know, because I know sometimes they'll post things that are happening in town, I wonder if he's, there. And I see things or I hear sirens and think, Oh, gosh, is that him?

Tina Rudiger (33:19): And it definitely played into my fears. And it actually, in a in a weird way, I think it it was, more difficult being a police wife than a military wife because I was right there in the midst of the community that he was in, and I knew and saw the things that were going on.

John Jay Wiley (33:39): One of the things I've heard before is the big difference is that when you are in a combat zone, eventually come home stateside, and it's welcome home. It's a different environment. With policing, it's all quite often you live where you work or very, very close to it, and you see it all the time. And there's no real escape. We were told we're on duty twenty four hours a day.

John Jay Wiley (34:00): Was that the case for you all?

Tina Rudiger (34:02): Oh, yes. Absolutely. I feel like like you said, you did. You came home and you kinda shut down. And not that he shut down, but he never completely was is present because he's so because it's who he is.

Tina Rudiger (34:16): It's what he does. I actually one of the things that when he was in Iraq and in the military, they would have ready rooms where they would go in, they would put their gear on, they would just kind of get in the right mindset. And everywhere we've lived here, I've actually made him a ready room. It's got hisall of his police gear, his safe with his guns. He loves to go in there and get ready.

Tina Rudiger (34:41): And one of the things that I've learned being a policewife is that when he comes home and he walks through that door, he goes into that ready room to undress and to just get rid of the day. And I actually don't approach him right away. I allow him that downtime to kind of come down and kind of be present with me. And once he's ready, he'll walk into the kitchen or wherever I am. But I really try really hard to give him that space to download from the day because he only lives he only works five minutes from where we live.

Tina Rudiger (35:16): So it's not a lot of time.

John Jay Wiley (35:18): One of the things you've said a couple times in the interview is your marriage almost ended, and that's quite common, not just with our police and our firefighters, EMTs, other first responders, but our military as well. There's unique demands, and you've talked about a lot of those. How bad did things get for you two?

Tina Rudiger (35:36): Oh, they they were horrible. I I moved out, and, I was preparing to go back home to Georgia. And I remember it was so bad. Like, I thought he hated me. I thought I wasn't sure if I hated him, but he just wasn't the man I've been married to.

Tina Rudiger (35:53): And I remember one night I was on the racquetball court, and I was by myself, and I was sitting there just crying. I was thinking, my god. I've been through years of deployment taking care of the home front, and and we've come into this new career, and and I've tried to be supportive. And nothing we had so much water under the bridge. We had so much resentment and things over the years that it just exploded at some point because we never addressed those issues.

Tina Rudiger (36:23): We just allowed it to build up, so it exploded. And for us, it was a good thing, because we had to be brought to that point in order to be to have change and to have clarity and to work through all of these years and years of issues. And even though he's still a police officer, we still have the issues. He's still who he is. I can't change that.

Tina Rudiger (36:47): And I've learned to respect that and to honor and allow him to be who he is. But now the difference is we have the tools, the communication tools, the things that we learned through Married for a Purpose to live into our vision and to understand what our purpose is together and work together in unity instead of working against each other.

John Jay Wiley (37:09): I'm glad you mentioned marriage married with a purpose. This is where your podcast and your mission to help others from your experience comes to fruition. Am I correct?

Tina Rudiger (37:19): Absolutely. We were I think Chris mentioned we were in counseling for years through the Navy Family Service Center, and we would go and we would talk about the problem and we would rub each other's nose in it, and then we would leave in an argument. He would speed off one way. I would speed off the other. And when we were introduced to Mary for a Purpose, they're very purpose focused.

Tina Rudiger (37:39): So it's a two or three day reboot session. And basically they just help you to look at where you were, like when we first married, where you are now, and where you want to be. And you literally create a purpose statement for your marriage, you create a vision, and it really we walked out of there like a wet district. We were like, Wow, we should have did this a long time ago. And it was very helpful in helping us get clarity and resolution to a lot of the issues over the years.

Tina Rudiger (38:09): And like Chris said, we couldn't just work on our marriage. We were like, Wow, that was awesome. We want to be a part of this. We want to be that voice that that helps the other other law enforcement marriages, other military marriages understand where where they were, where they are now, and help them create a plan to move forward.

John Jay Wiley (38:32): And the name of your podcast is Sheepdog Marriage Podcast. Can they find that online anywhere?

Tina Rudiger (38:39): Yes. So you can find us on Spotify, Apple Music. And also if you go to maryforapurpose.com, there's a drop down menu with the military and law enforcement side of Mary for a purpose, and there's also a link to our sheepdog marriage podcast on that page as well.

John Jay Wiley (38:56): Tina Rudiger, thanks for your service. Thanks for all you do, and thanks so much for meeting you guys on the show. All very much appreciated.

Tina Rudiger (39:01): Thank you. Thank you so much for having me on and allowing me to speak on behalf of the military and law enforcement spouses.

John Jay Wiley (39:08): I'd like to thank our guests for coming on the law enforcement talk radio show. The law enforcement talk radio show is syndicated weekly radio show broadcast on numerous AM and FM radio stations across the country. We're always adding more affiliate stations. If you enjoyed the podcast version of the show, which is always free, please do me a favor and tell a friend or two or three. I'll be back in just a few days with another episode of law enforcement talk radio show and podcast.

John Jay Wiley (39:36): Until then, this is John Jay Wiley. See you.